A couple of weeks ago, a longtime student, fellow teacher and dear friend sent a note to see how I was doing. This is, of course, a bizarre and difficult question for any of us to answer these days. I fumbled through a reply, trying to be as transparent as possible, while acknowledging the wild roller coaster of emotions that I move through in an hour’s time makes a clear answer unwieldy at best. Her response to me was, “you’ll get through this with your usual grit and grace.” Yes, I thought. This is the answer to this most impossible quandary I’ve been faced with since March 16: How will I ever get through this? Grit and grace. The art of letting go.
It is not as though when I opened blue lotus in 2007 I planned to run the studio until I took my last breath. I didn’t have a clear plan of how it would evolve, who would be present, what form it would take, how it would look, or on what timeline. But I assure you this particular scenario never crossed my mind. Not even close.
While I had wondered what the next iteration of blue lotus might look like as I grew older and the community continued to change, this particular transition offered no time to plan or prepare. There was no net or strategy. No spreadsheets or meetings or projections. In case you don’t know this about me, free fall is not my long suit. As with every other unprecedented (oh, I am so tired of that word) circumstance we’ve been served this year, there is no road map. Nobody to consult. No elder to reach to asking “how did you do this?”
And so here we are, muddling through The Great Both/And. I want these hot July days to linger on and on and I want it to just be August already. I simultaneously long to be in the space every single day, soaking up what I can of the goodness in her walls and also want to avoid even driving down N. West Street. I want to keep every scrap of paper, every candle, memo, trinket, and I want to burn the whole thing to the ground. This is not easy. I realize nobody ever said it would be. But. So. Hard.
I’ve wracked my brain trying to recall the last class I taught at blue; an innocent moment like thousands before, having no idea that it would be the last class I’d ever teach in the studio. I can’t remember. But that’s life, right? We never know what is coming. We never know when it will end. We just know that it will. How to get through it? Grace is required. As is presence. As is faith.
I’m also certain this is the right and only decision, for so many reasons. I know there is another chapter— a whole new book— just waiting to be written. But I’m not quite there. Not yet. I need to feel my way through the heartbreak of writing the last few pages of this book I started about 15 years ago. One day and one breath at a time. One shelf, one drawer, one storage box, one decision at a time. How to get through this? Grit is required. As is patience. As is compassion.
I’ve lived, learned and taught about letting go many, many times over the years. I reside in the center of the truth that this community we built can no longer exist as it did before. Yet part of me is white knuckle gripping onto the shore of this thing I’ve loved and poured my life into for so long. Reflect, honor, celebrate, grieve, let go. How to get through this? Grit and grace.
Gautama Buddha is quoted as saying: “In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” Those beloved walls. It’s time to let them go. We can no longer be contained, and our destiny is to grow into something greater than we’ve been before. I thank you all for making this community what it is, and for stepping with me into the unknown to shape it into what it will become.
Take one more deep breath in…hold at the top for just a moment to gather what remains…then exhale and let it all go.
6 Comments
Anne Robie
The beauty of all of this, as hard as it is, is you continue to be our teacher throughout. We all are having our our moments that require grit and grace; At least for me there are times when it’s showing up more elegantly than others. But as I watch you work through the closing of the beloved blue, you remind me of what it takes to address the things I need to attend to, let go of, release.
Thank you for continuing to be my teacher, even in this heartbreaking process.
Jill Sockman
I can feel all of that love from across the country, my friend. Thanks for the kind words, and being with me every step of the way, for all of these years, even from afar.
Kelly B.
When you wrote about simultaneously wanting to hold the precious pieces close, and wanting to burn it all down, that struck me right in the heart. You're living your yoga, even here, even now during a dynamic time when anything might be possible and all we know is that the old ways are crumbling. You gave me a yoga and meditation practice that has sustained me every single day since 2006. I'm sure there are many more who feel this way...and that there will be many more to come. Love and light to you and to the beloved Blue space. Bowing...
Jill Sockman
Kelly, dear. Thanks for writing and sharing your own powerful words. Indeed, the old ways are crumbling, in so many ways. Some that are amazing and wonderful to see and others that awaken fear and uncertainty. But the practice remains the same and essential: create a relationship, daily, to that which is unchanging. That is how we will find a way forward. Much love to you.
Lovie Haddock
Jill- you are such a beautiful writer and you exude SO much grace. I want to say more, but I don't have the words right now as I'm crying at my desk reading this- letting go of the Blue will be a grieving process for so many. I can't imagine all the things you are feeling, please know that you have a such a loving supportive community to hold you. So much love for you Jill, see you soon. <3
Jill Sockman
Lovie! Thanks for your sweet words of support. I'm grateful. It's a balancing act of allowing for all the feelings, processing a little bit at a time, and also opening up with curiosity to what is coming next. Thanks for being a part of it all!